ricky_mc_me's Journal

8:44PM

Sometimes those fucking days never stops. And I'm about to shove someone's head down the wall and it's not gonna be pretty.

4:56PM - RockStar is the new face of Aldo

Ho well, it's been a long time since I've updated this!
Things have completly changed. I have a new life now, one that I like!

Ceiling and walls came crumbling down when the appartment was flooded! Total loss! Packed my things, said goodbye to Montreal and moved back here!

Things are not the same here anymore, I'm not the same either!
Upon my move, I quit The Bay, got my hair cut, okay only the tips, got so much more tanned
I got a new job too! I'm now part of the managing team of a ALDO and I love it! For now I'm a school drop out, but oh well!
I've got a amazing boyfriend! I'm now making new friends! I got a new car!

My dog did die a week ago, and I miss him a lot, had him for almost 11 years!
But it's life!

Right now my priorities are to get my cam repaired and get back into photography and modeling!
I also intend on traveling again!
It's a new begining, it's a new Rock.

12:44PM - The brokeness

So ya, lately I've been pretty broken , in the sense that I don't have any fucking money! Thks the bay for dropping my hours every week, now I'm at 7 hours a week! I'll have just enought to pay my rent and maybe cable and stuff! That leaves me no spendng money, no clothes money, no school things, no restaurant and also no food money! I've now ate the reminder of my tostitos chips bag( about a few chips) and half a bag of soda crackers, so that should be my lunch for the day! Now tomorow I have some chicken base thing, so I'll make myself soup without anything in it!! So we'll see how fast I'll lose weight!

6:50PM

Times comes and goes
Life begins and ends
Morning comes and night goes
Memories are erased, memories are made

I had a amazing week last week!I suprised Mike on Monday night. I had to walk all around Montreal with all my bags all day threw all classes but it was worth it. I took the bus that night to Ottawa and when he finished work I called him and came to pick me up at Bridgehead! It was cool. He cooked me hamburger helper and had fun. The next day we went tannning ( 10 mins in medium low, it was good almost didn't burn) and he had his friends over for supper. It was nice to meet them ( Jordan and someother guy) . Then the next day we went shopping at St-Laurent, went to the SPCA, went to Wal-Mart, future shop,chapters, Kelseys, then rented a movie and we fell asleep on it! The next day I got back to my place , after stopping by The Bay Gatineau where I had coffee with Lisa. That night we went to see Julie at her work , and then went to a bar/birthday party for one of Mikes friend. It was awkward, somemany peeple in a closet space and all friends of him, but I got over it, ya almost no other friends to meet!Got back to Montreal on Friday for a 5 hour shift , got into many arguments with people from work aka higher ends, then I went to see the director and she gave me more hours for the next day when I had none ( 7.5). today went to work and got into a argument with one of the people I went past of yesterday about the hours and she got really angry and I got bitchy ..... So we'll see how that turns out! I work timorow a 7 hour shift ( in the shoe department) we'll see how that turns out. Next week hours will be a good indicator! I also went tanning today, for 9 minutes in a facial integrated machine!

9:11PM

Hmm it's saturday night and I'm faking studying and doing homework. I've been tanning today again ( went 2 days ago) but today I finilly upgraded to dark tanning lotion, so I should get darker faster. I'm still at 10 minutes in the less strong machine. I Intend in increasing to 12 , then 13, then 14, then 15, then switch to a stronger machine for a 10 minutes, and on and on.

I just finished a semi workout, 30 minutes of intense cardio and dance( I'm so sweaty,....). I intend on keeping on getting tanner and tanner over the next weeks and on keeping this workout daily.
My goal is that by mid-April : I'll be really dark, and absolutly no fat, and even a little bit more in shape. I'm also thinking about whitening my teeths. And also I'm taking my bartender class, in the hopes of working at a certain gay bar!!!!!!!!

Beside that , I have the best bf ever!He's inceredible. He makes me so happy!
So beside that Montreal is lonely! I'm bored and incredibly hungry!My cousin came yesterday we cooked food and I died her hair, and we watched 90210. Had fun!

1:11AM

YES I finally finished my exams at 9 pm today, got home around 9h30, and did some kitchen cleaning with mr clean and javex till 1 am, tomorow my room and the bathroom , then work, then wednesday gift, then work, then hallway and entrance, then thursday living room and work

I've taken 2 resolutions, good eating as of now, and keep appartment clean

11:11PM

ABOUT TO DIE OF EXCESSIVE STUDYING DISEASE, TIME LEFT: APPROXIMATLY 24 HOURS. oNE PROJECT DONE, 2 EXAMS BARELY STUDIED FOR, 2 TO 5 AND 6 TO 9, WANNA DIE RIGHT NOW

PLUS ANY CAREER SUGGESTION FOR ME

CAUSE RIGHT NOW MY ONLY LIFE GOAL IS TO BE ON THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS AND LET'S FACE IT, THE CHANCES ARE SLIM

10:49PM

People walking from left to right, back to forth. Faster and faster. The sound of a child laughing, a old woman screaming at her husband, the sight of a wife jumping into the arms of her new husband, a businessman going threw the airport like he goes threw life never stopping , never losing a moment. I suddenly lifted my head up, looked at this amaxing sight: this light , these windows, this sky. Finaly I was here. It had only been a few weeks since I had taken this flight from Montreal to here.
(Flashback)
- So what are you going to spend the rest of your summer? ( France asked me)
- Hmm I don't know. ( Smilling) Ask me what do this week?
( She had this expression she always had when she was caught off-guard, or just plain wondering)
- So what are you going to do this week ?
- Well , since you ask, I think I'll probably do some cleaning tomorow and pack the rest of my things for the moving.Then tomorow , after having my stuff put in storage, I'll take the flight 5-01 to Los Angeles to join Tony for the rest of the summer, and Tursday I want to get my hair done. What about you?
- What?Oh you little...( jumping into my arms)
-I know ( faking it not being a big thing)
- How did it happen, when did you decide that...
- Tony asked me to join him for the summer, no hotels to pay, no nothing. Only had to buy the ticket. And I've always dreamed of being there. And you know , the work sucks and I had nothing really planned for this summer. So I told myself why not. You know to be honest with you, this guy I really like. It's something I've never felt before. He makes me smile. I look up to him and every moment I spend with him, is a moment I'm proud to live.
- You go for it.

( Going back to reality)
Still hearing the landings being annouced. I was wondering how come all of this was happening to me. How could I be happy?
- Flight 5-01 has landed, passengers will go threw exit 4a.
I caught off guard and couldn't find that exit. How come airport always make this complicated, like it's not enought that it's jam pack, they have to confuse you more.
Then this hand grabbed me and turned me around.
Faking this angry look and her, hands on her hips, moving to one side to another. There she was , my friend, the one I had miss.
- I waited you know, how humiliating!
- Ho darling, I'm sorry, I was caught in my mind.
- Hmm I know, now just whipe out that smile from your face and help me find my lugage.
- Somethings never do change , do they?
- I guess not, but that's why we love each other don't we?
- I guess so

( On the way back to Tony's appartment)
- So how has it been?
-You know how it's been, I phone you like every two days.
- I know, but sometimes some things are not easily said over the phone. That's why I came here, to make sure. To make sure everything was fine.
- Hmm that's the only reason you came here? Haha, You came here for the trip, the free rent, the sun, the parties, the get away from your boyfriend, and I'll admit to see me.
- Okay your right, but I mean come on, it's Los Angeles. Who , under these happenings, wouldn't come here?
- True
- So how has it been?
- As awesome as I told you. He makes me happy. He buys me breakfest, and brings me to all these showings and these premires. He showed me around Chinatown, took me to San francisco for the weekend, brings me camping , can you believe it?
- Ho my god what's happening to you?
- Love I think
- Good! ( getting up she waved her hands in the air, there we were , going more than fast on this california highway, driving this overpriced convertable rental. It was one of those moments)

( Hours later, in a Malibu park, sharing icecream)

-It's beautiful
- I know , everymorning I look at the ocean an feel like I'd forever stay here.
- I can belive that.
- This is why I decided that I am not going back, I'm staying here, for a while at least.
- What?
- I consulted and I can pick up some classes here , and find some work in the industry. And Tony asked me to stay with him. No rent, no nothing to pay. So I agreed.
( she looked at the ocean, and without looking at me said:)
- I understand. But I'll miss you. You know you grew on me so much in a year, I'll miss a lot
- I know, but there's phonecalls, and e-mails, and webcams, and pictures, and text message, and you can always come here for reading week, and christmas , and march break, and summer,...
- I guess your right, it's just all so sudden.
- We'll just have to make this week more worth it.














SECOND WEIRD DREAMS' PART 2 TO COME SOON
-

10:20PM

There I was, my life playing itself behind me.
The voices didn't fade, only time did.
Feels like it always has, you never grasp on the thought that time goes by so fast.
Suddenly, I felt this hand on my shoulder. And heard this voice:
- So are you going to go threw with this?
(choosing my word carefully) I replied:
-Yes , there's no going back. I'm going threw with it. Enought time wasted playing around. The game's got to end.
-How are you going to do it?
- Simply.I'll just have them escorted out. What's a little bit of humiliation? Afterall they did a lot worse.The all mighty are going down once and for all.
- You don't have any pity for them?
- Pity, don't you know me? I don't have those kinds of feelings. I'm not capable of having them, remember? Are you forgeting who I am?
I'm the cold hearted jerk who fired all the staff, who got up and objected at his sister's wedding, the same one who sold his soul for power.
- Don't play the victim with me, it's not working. You chose to be like that. But it doesn't mean you can't change. Even you can change .
- Why change, I'm good as I am.
- That's what you say, but your heart doesn't think so.
- Who are you to say that, you don't know me , nobody does.
- I do, I know you more than anyone , and I know that deep down you hurt and you won't admit it, but you want to change. Everybody does.
- well you can change all you want, but I'm not. Now you'll excuse me, but I have a life to get back to, you know I have more than this little heart to heart moment on my to do list.
- Sure, but remember it's all in your hands.

Walking out the room, I wondered , had I fulled them all. Had I been so good at it, that I had even fulled myself? Was making this facade really worth it? I think so, afterall it did feel right, but most of all it felt good. Finale I could give them the payback they had deserved all these years. Tomorow morning it would be all history.
Then this chill came down my spin. What am I gonna be living for after that? Spent all my life making this happen, but when it's all gonna be done what is going to left?












Sometimes I have these weird dreams. Where I don't know what I'm talking about , or who they are, or why I'm thinking what I am.

11:06PM

Let's recap the last two days!
Thursday, I stayed home and played around with my computer, emptied some box that were in the attic, went to the dentist ( I have perfect teeths) and the optometrist( eye doctor) ( eyesight not too bad at the moment). Then had supper, watched tv and around 8 left to go downtown. I changed my cell phone and then had coffe with Phil and afterwards I met Gibson and her BF in front of Lookout for Gibson's first time in a gay bar! We had a lot of fun, realised how close I am to her and how openminded and how important I am to her. We danced,... For the first time I didnt care if I got hit on or not, I was there to have fun with my friend and not more! Anyhow that was it for that day.

Today, I woke up around noon, and went to the college to pick up my diploma! Yay one more in my resume! I was suppose maybe to go to Edge tonight , but I didn't feel like it. Instead I stayed home and watched cheezy 80's drama show reunion. And went to sleep early. Tomorow might be a awesome day if everything works out!

2:49PM

DAMN FUCKING SSTUPID IGNORANT CHEAP CELL PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't see from whom my text messages are and can't read them, I can't either see who called me
Basicly the screen is all black!!!!

9:12AM

I've been back for 2 days as of now. I left home at 6 am on monday with angelique. For a roadtrip back home that we won't forget. Lol ran out of gas, had a flat tire, and overheated engine. But where still alive. Even after almost being hit on the highway by a truck going the other direction. We stopped on the way at a little snackbar/ trucker stop lol so much fun, people all kept looking at us lol , u gotta understand they were all 50 yo trucker from the middle of nowhere who had never seen 2 people like us ( glamorous fashion statement) lol much memories were made.
Anyhow got here at like 8h30 am. Had a appoitment for my teeth YEAH no more braces and other stuff stick in my mouth!!!!!!!!!!
Then went shopping a little. And had a quiet night home with no cell phone or internet!!!!!!
Yesterday I left home in the morning went shopping with Angelique at Rideau Center, mmm lot's of fun there too ( I see her at home everyday, at work everyday weekend, at school ever class, and still when we're out of town we can't help we gotta see eachother!lol
Anyhow, in the terms of Angelique : "I made friends" whcih means to her that guys kept checking me out! AHAHA Apparently the guys at Mexx where hiding it not too bad, but the guys at MissThiggyWinkle were just freaking not hiding it, supposubly they were checking me out big time. Bah I was too busy checkng them out to realise they were doing the same lol
Oh well if they don't ask my number , it's their lost
Also saw my cute surfer dude from last summer at The Bay and we exchange glance! Oh memories!!!!! HAAHAHAHA
Later that afternoon, I resurected the old Rick ( AKA as Rock circa summer 2004) Oh YES the blond HAIR IS BACK!!!!!!!!I'm totally blond agin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM BACK!
And it apparently works, last night I went shopping with Gibson who now knows I'm gay ( it was so fun to talk about it with her!!!!), more and more galnce were had!!! But unfortunatly not the one I want

Oh well
Today I have appointments with eye doctor and dentist again, and tonight I'm going out with Gibson to Lookout ( ya it sucks but it's the only day she can go out!)


I will have a good time I hope even if it's not what would truly make my bief stay here worthwhile I'll survive.

10:20PM

I updated my deviantart page with the last pics I did this summer , about time I guess http://ricky-mc-me.deviantart.com/gallery/

7:03PM

So last night I was finishing studying when I heard the doorbell . I went into the livingroom and from there I checked outside to see who it was. As soon as I saw his face , chills went down my back. It was him, he found me. He saw me looking and I ran out the window sight, took a coat, put shoes on , grabbed the keys and ran out the backdoor, ran down the long hallway and opened the backdoor. Ran as fast as I could , behing the buildings. When I was far enought, I ran the corner and back to the boulvard.And at that moment , I felt hands grabbing me and pushing me back. I sreamed, but he put his hand over my mouth. I pushed and screamed as hard as I could. But nothing. He pushed me against a wall and pushed me again and hit me. Then I tried to runaway, everything was blurry, I grabbed a piece of wood on the side and hit him as hard as I could , he feek on his knees and I hit him again and again. There it was over, never I would be scared again by him. I let myself slip down the ground and then I woke up. It was all a nightmare. But it seemed so real. I got up,my heart was beating to the fastess. I felt weird. Why did I dream that.

10:46PM

First I need to make a soundtrack to be played over my life biography for design class. Any suggestion of ssad or nice songs?

Second , I feel like song #1 on this cd lately http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00006471F/104-6460672-9287108?v=glance&n=5174&s=music&v=glance



I keep on reading old entries and I realise that the person I am today is not the person I was almost 2 years ago, it's almost scary, it's 2 completly different persons. Just reading this post made me realise so. http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/06/30/



Althought some things are still true
My perfect bf
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/08/21/

HOw many times have I been on the edge of a nervous breakdown?
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/09/14/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/09/16/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/11/08/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2005/02/09/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2005/07/08/

BTW I started getting anonymous phonecall again this week, so I don't know what to think. I just hope he didn't find me,I was so careful that he couldnT get my address or phone number , but I guess I wasn't enought
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/11/17/ ( not the first time I get those)

Guy breaking my heart
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/09/23/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2005/07/14/


Probably the sadest post ever written in my journal
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/12/04/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/12/07/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2005/01/04/
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2005/01/30/

I don't think I've foudn the person yet who will hold me in their arms to comfort me
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2005/01/10/

I just realised that I made it by myself with nobodies help, I rarely drink anymore, I don't drink when I'm sad or depressed, it was just a phase.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/12/25/




Quote ""I'm still seeing Louis as a friend. He's still str8 and I don't think that will change anytime soon. I know that the best thing would be to stop seeing him cause it only hurts me knowing he'll never touch me the way I want him to. " who knew that I might later end up chasing him threw Europe"
"so wanted to update this thing this morning but then I forgot. So better later than never.
Last night as I was sleeping , I got woken up by a car hunking and flashing his lights in my drive way. I got up and went to the living to check this out. It turns out it was my dear Julia who had decided at 11pm that she wanted to do a road trip, so she got dressed, did her hair,... and came to my place to pick me up. I got dressed and we left for one of our last road trip. she told me that since I said I was really gonna miss those sudden trips, she had decided to do one. I will always cherish the memory of her standing in my drive way, in the frozen night waving hi and shouting to come and join her. I'll so miss her!

A few days ago, Louis asked me to join him , and I'm definitly thinking about it when Jule leaves. He'll be able to get my moral back up, show me Paris, Milan,.... and I might finally know where we stand."


"Fourth: I decided that I wouldn't go and join Louis in Paris. As much fun as it could be and as much as I love him and want to be with him.I'm not willing to sacrifice that much time, money and energy. If it does turns out he is gay and wants me, I can't be with someone who doesn't accepts himself, I already have trouble ajusting to my gay life by myself. plus if I do go and he doesn't want me, it will just break my heart. I think it's better to live with the dream , than have it be killed."








I really like people commenting , it's nice ometime.

12:26AM

I was just reading old entries last night and I thought about looking where I was in my life at the exact same day last year. Time goes fast.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/ricky_mc_me/2004/11/24/

Bah

I'm gonna be in Ottawa starting november 29 till december 2. I decided to only be there for a short amount of time as last time , I didn't have that much of a good time and I'm scared it's gonna be the same again.

On another note, End of december I'm going back to being a blond!!! Nice I can't wait!!!!!

And oh I really feel freakin lonely here without anyone!

8:15PM

9 daYS 2 moinths till it's been one year since Julia died.

12:02AM

The Mixed Messenger Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDm) Just...take...the...fucking...flower...darling. The Mixed Messenger apologizes again. You're looking for love, but you'll always maintain your independence. You're prepared for a real commitment, but it's also likely that you're ambitious, which creates a certain romantic tension and ambivalence within you. So although you can be very affectionate to someone, you are also capable of pulling some dubious shit. Your exact opposite: The Playboy Random Gentle Sex Master In a relationship, you're usually the emotional leader. With your friends, you're a little bit more part of the pack. You're well-liked but you're not the uninhibited type, so the spotlight's often on someone else. In both social and romantic situations, however, you almost always get what you want. Influencing people is something you do very well. ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy CONSIDER: The Mixed Messenger Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: trendykboy

7:39PM

Six months later (or maybe more)
May 2005 changed hair again by chopping it myself and yes this is my naturel color with a little bit of bleach in the tips (I did it all myself)

June 2005 , back in front of the cam
Started straightening my hair again, and cut the bangs.

Late june 2005

Changed hair again by cuting it and str8ing it and curling the tips

August 2005
Played with scissors again and changed the color to a different brown and of course str8

Late late august 2005

Let it slightly curl

September 2005

Long and ugly

Early October 2005  Got it cut shorter, lot's of layer, long in the back

second week of october, got highlights put in, with a slighlty different do

again slightly different do

again different do, done with round brush and hairdryer

Again here late october, slighly different do and changed color to a more redish tint

More pics tomorow to see this week new style

6:12PM

Is this gonna finale work?